Self Talk vs Parallel Talk: The Difference, Ten Paired Examples, and When to Use Each

Self talk vs parallel talk comes down to who the sentence is about. In self-talk, you narrate what you are doing: "I'm cutting the apple. Crunch." In parallel talk, you narrate what your child is doing: "You're stacking. Up, up, up." Both are indirect language stimulation techniques that speech-language pathologists use to pour language into a child's day without asking for anything back, and both follow the same rules: short phrases, no questions, and a pause after each one. The difference is whose actions you're describing, and that tells you when to use which.

The one-sentence difference

Self-talk is about you. Parallel talk is about them. Once you have that, you can sort any sentence in a second: "I'm pouring the milk" is self-talk, and "You're pouring! Milk in the cup" is parallel talk. Everything else about the two techniques is shared.

Self-talk: what it is and when to use it

Self-talk means describing your own actions, out loud, in simple language, as you do them: "I'm washing the cup. Soap. Rinse. All clean." You're not expecting a reply. You're giving your child a running audio track for what they're watching you do.

It fits in two situations. The first is when your child is watching you. If they're on the counter while you make lunch, their attention is on your hands, and words that describe your hands land exactly where they're looking. The second is when your child won't engage with their own toy and you need to become the interesting thing in the room. You start doing something near them with sound effects and a steady narration, and you let curiosity do the rest. A parent who sits two feet away stacking cups and saying "cup on. Another cup. Tall! Uh-oh, falling..." is often more compelling than one who says "come stack cups with me." Self-talk is also the easier technique to start, because you don't need to read your child's attention first.

Parallel talk: what it is and when to use it

Parallel talk means describing what your child is doing, looking at, or touching: "You're splashing. Big splash. Wet." The child is the subject of every phrase.

It fits whenever your child is absorbed in their own activity, which for most toddlers is most of the time. Because you're describing what they're already attending to, your words are automatically matched to their focus, and that matching is what makes words stick: Tomasello and Farrar (1986) found children learned more words when adults named what the child was already looking at than when adults redirected attention first. The book calls this contingent labeling and builds "Comment, Don't Quiz" and the "Narrate the Moment" game on it. The full treatment, with twenty examples by routine, is in parallel talk. It's harder than self-talk in one respect: you have to watch before you speak, and if your child has moved from the block to the cat, your words have to move too.

Ten paired examples (table)

Same routine, two ways to narrate it. Use the left column when your child is watching you, and the right when they're busy doing it themselves.

Neither column contains a question or a direction. There's no "can you say banana?" and no "put the block in," and that's the hardest habit to hold onto.

Blending both in a single routine (snack time walkthrough)

Real routines don't stay in one column. Here's how a five-minute snack might move between the two.

Your child is in the high chair watching you at the counter. You're the focus, so you start with self-talk: "I'm getting the crackers. Open the box. Crinkle, crinkle." Pause. "One cracker." You hold it up near your eye for a moment, which gives your child a reason to look at your face, and hand it over.

Now your child is eating, so you switch to parallel talk: "Cracker. You're eating cracker. Crunch." Pause. They drop a piece. "Uh-oh. Cracker fell." Pause. They look at you, which is your cue for the one question you're allowed per three comments: "More?" You wait five seconds with your hand out and your eyebrows up. If they reach or look, "More cracker!" and give it. If nothing comes, you still give it, with the word.

Back to self-talk while you pour: "I'm pouring milk. Milk in the cup. Done." Parallel talk while they drink: "Drinking milk. Gulp, gulp. All gone."

In those five minutes your child heard around twenty short phrases, every one matched to what they were watching or doing, with one question in the mix. The pauses make room for your child to look at you, which turns a language moment into a joint attention moment too; the games in joint attention activities for toddlers are built on the same pause.

The cheat sheet for the kitchen counter.

A one-page printable with both definitions, the ten paired examples above, and the five shared rules, sized to tape inside a cabinet door.

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The rules both share

Whichever column you're in, the same five rules apply, drawn from the book's verbal strategies.

Short phrases, one to three words, at or just above your child's level. If they aren't talking yet, mostly single words; if they're using single words, two and three. The book's "Stretch the Sentence" game: start where they are, then stretch gently.

No questions beyond the 3:1 ratio. Three comments for every question. Questions put the child on the spot, and children with language delays who get quizzed all day tend to disengage.

No directions. "Put it in" and "come here" have their place, but they bring back the pressure these techniques are designed to remove.

Pause after every phrase. Count to five silently; many children with autism need that long to process and respond, and a narration without gaps leaves them no room to join. The pauses are also when joint attention happens, which matters because reduced joint attention is one of the core differences in autism (Mundy & Newell, 2007), and every glance you make room for is practice.

Animate it. Sound effects, a surprised face for the dropped cup, wide eyes for the tall tower. Children who aren't naturally drawn to faces often tune in when the social input is big and tied to something fun.

When you're ready for your child to produce language rather than only hear it, the next technique is communication temptations, where you set up a reason to request and then wait. Self-talk and parallel talk are the input; temptations invite output. If your child is in speech therapy and these are the techniques the SLP keeps mentioning, the every-hour plan shows where each one fits in a normal day, and the Simplified Language Scripts, with routine scripts for waking, dressing, breakfast, toothbrushing, play, going outside, bath, and bedtime, are in the book and resource kit.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between self talk and parallel talk?

Self-talk is when the adult narrates their own actions ("I'm stirring the soup"). Parallel talk is when the adult narrates the child's actions ("You're stirring. Round and round"). Both use short phrases, avoid questions and directions, and pause after each phrase. Self-talk fits when the child is watching you; parallel talk fits when the child is absorbed in their own play.

What is an example of self talk in speech therapy?

An SLP washing a doll might say, "I'm washing the baby. Soap on. Rub, rub. Rinse. All clean," while the child watches. Each phrase is short, describes the therapist's own action as it happens, and is followed by a pause so the child can look, vocalize, or reach for a turn.

Should I use self talk or parallel talk with my toddler?

Both, and the one to use at any given moment depends on where your child's attention is. If they're watching you, use self-talk. If they're busy with their own toy or food, use parallel talk. Most routines move back and forth between the two.

How often should I do self talk and parallel talk?

Sprinkle them through the day rather than scheduling them. A few phrases during each routine (diaper change, snack, bath, getting dressed) adds up to a great deal of matched language over a week, and it's sustainable in a way a thirty-minute session usually isn't. The book's "Narrate the Moment" game suggests two to three minutes at a time.

The cheat sheet for the kitchen counter.

A one-page printable with both definitions, the ten paired examples above, and the five shared rules, sized to tape inside a cabinet door.

Your email address

Website

Send me the cheat sheet

One email with the PDF, plus occasional early-intervention tips from Andrea. Unsubscribe anytime.